"Toxic Shock" (LOADED WITH EXTRAS!)

My new column, Toxic Shock.

I'm in Miami with Rusty, so I haven't had time to write. But here he is in his pool.

I think DJ snapped the photo. He's here too, after being detained on Northwest Airlines for excessive cuteness. A flight attendant leaped over the seat to snuggle uncontrollably with him.

As for the column,

someone asked me if we need to shock. I don't think so. But I do believe most who "shock" do so because they're not afraid to speak their mind and/or go against the grain. When you don't do what you're told, you almost always shock. When you're told to take your clothes off or grab your crotch, it doesn't translate to a shock, it translates to a gimmick.

Anyway, found a fun Barbra Interview

Love Is The Answer Promo. I didn't mention what a stellar CD it is; truly remarkable. My favorite song is "If You Go Away," which is the most emotionally vulnerable I've heard her in years. Wow, I think I found a clip.

If You Go Away

My mother's next-door neighbor was shocked and appalled when they went to see "The Owl and the Pussycat" seventy thousand years ago. I guess she didn't like that the Funny Girl swore and played a prostitute.

I was inspired by this flick.

I hated that woman--my neighbor. She used to come by every day and make fun of our family, then drink Mom's Sherry in the back yard. I think she turned into Barbara Bush.

As for Adam Lambert, come on....

Show of hands as to who thinks he's sexy?

Cyndi Lauper was shockingly innocent, Madonna "wais" someone who simply didn't have inhibitions. Lady GaGa seems to be on her way.

And Bette Midler is nothing less than shockingly Divine!
Sophie Tucker.

'Nuff Said.
--You're in the book too
David Toussaint

The Striking Similarities Between Madonna and Precious!

(Because Isn't Everything Really About Her?)

Precious is ticked off at Mariah Carey for having more seniority than she does.

Madonna is ticked off at Mariah Carey for having more number one singles than she does.

  Precious steals food.
  Madonna steals children.

Precious slaps her classmate for calling her fat.
Madonna slaps her dancers just for the hell of it.

Precious is surrounded by people who make her life miserable.
Madonna makes life miserable for those who surround her.

Precious is overweight.
Madonna is overrated.

After a tragedy, Precious slips by a church to watch a church choir.
After a tragedy, Madonna watches a church choir, wearing only a slip.

Lesbians are drawn to Precious.
Lesbians are betrayed by Madonna.

Precious is illiterate.
Madonna dates illiterates.

Precious never had a good role model.
Madonna never had a good role.

Precious collects her innermost thoughts, then writes them down in a journal each day.
Madonna collects her money, then writes off each day without thinking about it.

Precious puts her faith in God.
Madonna puts her mouth on Jesus.

Precious has fantasies of being more important and more talented and more beautiful than she really is.
Madonna...“Nuff said.

                                                    
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You're in the book.
--David Toussaint

Five Smooth Questions for Hot Toddy Boatwright

Christmas comes early this year, folks, as Austin's News 8 Morning Anchorman takes time from breaking both news stories and hearts to answer my queries.

Name: Todd Boatwright

Occupation: Anchorman/Coffee Drinker/Sarah Brightman Fan

City: Austin, Texas

FIVE QUESTIONS

1. Is it true you’re somewhat of a heartthrob in Austin?

That's what some people tell me…haha. I was voted one of Austin's ten most eligible bachelors in 2006, if that counts.

2. Who was the most fun person you’ve interviewed?

Joan Collins. She was the most accommodating, genuinely interested in what I had to say, and very nice, despite her "movie star" persona.

3. What does Anderson Cooper have that you don’t?

A lot more white hair. But I’m getting there!

4. What would you ask Barack Obama, were you to interview him?

"Do you really have to call it the ‘holiday’ tree this year?"

5. You interview people for a living. What does the world need to know about Todd?

Besides loving to cook, and plopping down on the sofa to watch some classic TV, I have a big heart, very spiritual, and genuinely care what other people think.

Bonus Stocking Stuffer Question: There's an image (correctly or incorrectly) of Texans as all being gun-toting fervent Christians. How true or not true is that?

Todd: I don't carry a gun!

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--Maybe not, Todd, but we're happy to see you.
For more of Todd, tune into Austin News at 8, as he's the best reason I can think of to get up in the morning--oh, and to watch him on TV too.

Remember, I'm in the book.
David Toussaint

Lions and Tiger and BARE Naked Woods, O MY!

You heard it here, first. A nude photo of Tiger Woods was leaked to me, courtesy of my good friend (who betrayed him) Salinas Dieon.

Before I get to the meat of his matter, let me reflect on the week. Boy, was it a doozy. I went to see Madonna on Theater Row, only to discover it wasn’t exactly the same Madge the PR people had tricked me into reviewing. Take a look, here! Someone's been naughty.

Best Story of the Week: Seeing Double. Love this one. Then again, Men’s Health has been producing clones for years now…

A lesbian is now Mayor of Houston. Despite all the brouhaha, I’m not all that surprised. Come on, we always knew Whitney had it in her.

Sinners of the Week: North Carolina Devils. How does that song go? “What if God was one of us, just a prick like one of us.”

I saw Brothers starring Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Natalie Portman. You know, I was blown away by that woman’s beauty. Not only is she amazingly feminine, she projects a breathy, “come hither” exuberance, not unlike Marilyn Monroe. Oh, and Portman and Maguire were good too.

If you run into Matt Forke, please tell him I’m officially cyber-stalking him. Stick a Forke in Matt, he’s done!

Come on, how could you not love a man who writes Facebook Updates like "goes out walking after midnight" and (be still my John Updike heart) "went to vida fitness for the first time where he saw a lot of familiar faces along with others that were not so familiar..." I had to read that sentence over and over again, just to get the subtle nuisance.

Drt-Worthy:

David C. Abernethy

Arthur Finn

Peter Frank

Mary Lou Hartman

The Kooks

Josh Levy

Liza Minnelli

Anna Weston

Oh, yeah, almost forgot; here's the photo of Tiger Woods.

Frankly, I have no idea what the big deal is.

Have a great week. Remember, I'm in the book!

David Toussaint

Irish Spring!

Five Rounds of Questions for Author Chris Beakey

How could I not love Chris Beakey? He's adorable, he's talented, he knows how to spell his name (see above), and, most important, he indulges me just when I'm starting to feel insecure. I caught up with C.Bo at cocktail hour, but...not to worry, I got what I needed before he passed out (oh, and I also got some questions). So here we go again...straight up from the Man of Mystery.

1. You take writing extremely seriously. So, naturally, the first question I have to ask is, What’s your favorite cocktail?

Funny you should connect writing and cocktails—and smart too, since they often go together. My favorite cocktail for most occasions is bourbon and soda; Booker Single Barrel when I’m celebrating or just want a treat. Jim Beam otherwise.

2. You’ve said that you don’t “get” Barbra Streisand, Cher, Liza, Madonna, etc. But you love Bette Midler. Why her?

Because she’s so funny and has such a wonderful heart. And she starred in one of my favorite movies—For the Boys—about the power of music amid the tragedy of war. My beloved dad is a retired Army colonel, and the movie had a tremendous effect on both him and my mom. Call me a dreamer, but I’m absolutely certain that she would be every bit as kind and funny if she were having dinner with my partner and me in our home as she is up there on the stage or screen….I hope that I am really gay even if I’m not into these other ladies; probably a little late to be rethinking that though, don’t you think? *

3. There’s a prevailing view in this world that, if you’re a gay man, you must write about “gay” issues. You write mysteries. Why?

I write about what scares me; what makes me laugh or cry; what affects me on a gut level. I don’t write about any issues. I write about people—good people caught in terrifying circumstances. Plus if I am rethinking the gay thing it’s probably smart to diversify, right?

4. What would a book about your life be called, and who would play you in the movie?

Simply Happy, and Driven To Be Better. And I’d probably play myself. My life is already a movie, full of sudden, heart-racing accelerations and moments of pure quiet bliss, mostly because of all the great people in it. I wish it was already on DVD so I could slow it down and play some of the most wonderful parts over and over.

5. Why do you write?

I have to…can’t not write, and can’t really do much of anything else. Plus, I’m absolutely determined for other people to experience the things that keep going round and round my fanciful Irish brain. And, not incidentally, because I’m so often inspired by all of the people who do it so much better (aka David Toussaint). **

“This One’s On Me” Bonus Body Shot Question: If you were writing a book about Barack Obama, what would it be called?

Chris: Work in Process (in the very best sense of the term)…Work in Progress, not “process.” (I am already into the Jim Beam and soda.).

* I don't think Chris has a whole lot to worry about in that area.
** When he's right, he's right!

Want to go a round with Chris? Contact him at Chris Beakey.

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Drt-Worthy:
Lisa Calvarese
Neil E. Feria
Jake Gyllenhaal
Keith Lamont
Jeff McElhaney
Mo'Nique
Meryl Streep
Fee Waybill
Evan Wolfson
Farhad Zamani

I'm in the Book

--David Toussaint

DRTy Talk--the Only FB You'll Ever Need

DRTy Talk

A Free Facebook Column at Your Expense

Enter at Your Own Risk

The week started out with my search for old friends. I was so happy when I found long-lost hetero school buddies, Apps Ken Fraga and Greg Unruh. We connected, we reminisced, we laughed about silly old closeted days and how little it all means—and two days’ later they’d both blocked me. And people wonder why I don’t return to my hometown of Pleasant Hill more often. (Note to self: Guess I shouldn't have reminded the one about the feel-up drunk sleepover)….In the meantime, Facebook has “suggested” that I re-connect with 00 App Daniel Craig. I wrote on his Wall, I sent him roses, I put him on the top of my “Friends I want to F.” list, and nothing. Ironically, with dicks like that we do need dildos.

New York App Amy Casey invited me to become a fan. She’s now, among other things, a “spiritual leader.” The last time I saw Amy, a few months ago, she was a struggling actress working in real estate to make ends meet. I would question Amy’s credentials, but then I’d have to question the credentials of every evangelical in the world. I'm not about to make fun of Ms. Casey; she just beame a fan of New York Condoms, and boys, that means the local economy's going to skyrocket!...Porn star App Carlo Massi has sent me at least 20 invites this week to become his fan. In related news, I jerked off at 20 times this week…Porn stars come and go awfully quickly around here. There’s been more fake Cody Cummings’ Apps then there have been homosexual denials.

My favorite FB Update this week was “Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.” I can’t take credit for it; Los Angeles App Robert Downs found it. Downs has spent the past week in Turkey converting the locals. He's also spent some time at mosques and churches…Savannah App Maryanne Stahl has not answered my fmail in two weeks. (I was hoping to use her for my "Five Questions" project.) If the “writer” keeps this up we’ll be officially dating. And musician App Doug Baron (described by one critic as a “less butch Tracy Chapman”) has deleted me and re-friended me so many times, I can proudly announce that we are dating. You can download Doug pretty much anywhere, and you can buy his stuff on iTunes! You know, I should't be poking fun of Brown, especially as he's such a dazzling artist. For your pleasure, here's a clip. Doug Baron singing "Baby Can I Hold You Tonight".

New York App Robert Mazza (below) was seen wearing clothes. Don’t worry, however. He might have found his shirts, but he has not regained his dignity.

If you like it then you better put a bling on it...

Oh, another Friend deletion: This one from New York “actor” App Romain Fruge. Romain, your onstage ass may look great now, and it may look great five years from now…that’s all. Uncut App Marco Giovanini is asking that FB Friends not send him Christmas Apps. As Marco has stated on several improper occasions, he never receives. By the way, here's a tip. If you want to date Marco, offer to take him out for seafood. And remember his motto: What happens in the steam room stays in the steam room.

Hot Todd Boatwright, Austin’s, um, “8” App anchorman, refused a free copy of my e-book, not once but twice. When I sent him an fmail asking why, he never answered. Silly me, I knew anchormen couldn’t write, but I should have known they can’t read either. Boatwright's extremely, busy, however. Just look at what this man has to do every single day of his two-hour job... (Mobile Upload Courtesy of Todd's Camera Phone).

The caption reads, "What my foot looks like under the desk."

All I can say is WOW! He has a lot on his plate, or at least his shoe.

Playwright App John P. Shanley, who’s interested in women and, um, “random play,” keeps posting dreams on his page. I want them to go away almost as much as I wanted “Doubt” to end.

Good news for Edge online fans. Equinox gym used to ban the site from their computers, even if you went through Facebook to read it. They’ve stopped the discriminatory practice. Tip of the week: If you download it and find a printer, it makes for a wonderful lrctowel…Oh, Augusten: App Author Burroughs once said you know you’ve made it when dudes send you unsolicited FB photos of their erect cocks. I think you’ve made it when Augusten stops sending you his. I'm still waiting for my big break.

Best FB Group of the Week: Pretending to Text in Awkward Situations.

I watched “Funny People” the other night and could so relate to Adam Sandler’s character when he said the more friends you have on MySpace, the fewer friends you have in real life. That is so sad. Luckily, as I wrote to my 1,978 FB friends, I don’t even have a MySpace account.

And now the really big news: The first ever F.Buddy of the Month. (for Facebook Buddy, of course).

This month’s hot, hot, hot winner is none other than Washington, D.C., App

David Black

All rights reserved for paying customers.

People have asked why I picked David, and the answer is simple; he wouldn’t take credit cards. But don’t be taken just by David’s highly Photoshopped, blurry-lensed, sadly narcissistic 10-year-old pic. There are other reasons why he makes for a Great F.Buddy. Like the city he lives in, David has the same qualities representative of the type of people who represent this great nation of ours: Sex scandals, money-laundering, ass-kissing (or, as he likes to call it in his Native non-German tongue, “douched bank dipping”), he "lies" a lot (or is that "lays"?), and, of course, Streets of K.

Name: David Black
Occupation: Accountant (He can add up 69 any way you prefer)
Interests: Nope.
Favorite Book: Creatine Warning Labels.
Favorite Artist: Tom (David doesn’t know the artist’s last name, but he believes he resides in Finland).
Favorite Movie: “X-Men…No, wait, X-Tube.”
Position on Healthcare: “Don’t let them take away my free clinic.”
Position: "Depends. Did I pay my rent yet?"
All I Want for Christmas Is? “Dude, I totally love Mariah Carey!”

If you want to be a F.Buddy of the Month, shoot me a load of yourself!
david@davidtoussaint.com

And Happy Holidays!
I'm in the book
David Toussaint

"This" and That, and That

A Tail of Three Reviews?

"This" and this, and that. Three reviews, including mine, of "This."

New York Post

New York Times

EDGE David Toussaint

Enjoy...or not!

I'm in the book
David Toussaint

Five Dramatic Questions for Diva David Pevsner

Five Dramatic Questions for Diva David Pevsner
(Learning More About Your World, One 'Mo at a Time)

Yes, boys and girlfriends, we have him. I go one on one (yeah, u wish) with L.A.-based actor David Pevsner. I've never actually met David, but the last time we slept together I asked him if he wouldn't mind five questions. He very graciously said yes. Of course, I can't tell you what those questions were, but here are five "professional" questions for Mr. Hollywood. Squares need not apply.

Name:
David Pevsner

Occupation:
Actor

City:
Los Angeles

1. When did you realize you wanted to be an actor?

I used to watch a ton of TV as a kid and would imitate commercials and sing the jingles every moment of the day. How very lowbrow of me…it wasn’t like I had a great love of Shakespeare that made me want to perform; it was the Ajax song. I do consider myself an artist, both as a writer and an actor; but it didn’t start out that way.

2. Many actors I know, if they’re not a TV or film star after 10 years, give it up. What keeps you at it after 25 years?

I think I’m better at it now. A lot of the demons that made me struggle with it and hampered my abilities have, for the most part, gone. I want to work with this new point of view, so I feel more ready than ever. I just have too much left that I want to do.

3. You don’t lie about your age, and you look fantastic. How much harder is it to stay in shape after 40 than before?

I don’t have the metabolism that I had, that’s for sure, and if I get a little lazy about what I eat or working out, yeah, it shows. However, since I’ve done some plays that I’ve had to show some bod in and done some art photos for photographers, it’s a great incentive to keep at it. When I keep it all in balance and don’t let anything get out of hand, keeping in shape is the same as it’s always been. Of course, I say that now, but one’s body can turn on you the very next day.

4. What’s the best thing about being a gay man over the age of 50?

When I turned 50, I made two vows. One, I don’t want to be the cat lady. I have to still get out there and be social and not be satisfied to sit in front of the TV. I can do that when I’m 80. Two, I’m 50, I’m gay, I’m single, and I’m a recovering narcissist…I can’t get fat. Other than that, I don’t know yet. It feels the same as being under the age of 50, except I’ve had a colonoscopy, I have an AARP card, and my hair is crossing over from salt and pepper to gray. I accept all of it, but otherwise…we’ll see.

5. What’s your dream acting part?

It’s more about who I’d love to work with, folks like Joss Whedon, Zwick and Herskovitz, Rob Marshall, Thomas McCarthy, folks who have done work that I love. I’d love to do Tateh in “Ragtime,” and sort of strangely, I’d like to play Tevye in “Fiddler,” just to see if I can do it. And I’d still love to do gay porn.

Bonus Role Playing Question!
Who’s your daddy?

Well, I have a father, but no daddy. I’m open to suggestions; or at least a date, goddamnit. Bring it on, daddy or boy, whatever!
 
For, um, more of David, go to David Pevsner. And don't bother asking him about porn. I've already booked him solid.
 
--I'm in the book.
David Toussaint