Up in the Scare--LOADED with Extras!

I finished "Up in the Scare" the night before the special election in Masachusetts. I had a hunch the Playboy Bunny was going to win, and that was a whole different ball of wax--one I didn't want to touch yet. Oy gay, what a way to start off the new decade. Not him, of course, but this one....

Doy Vay.

We, the idiots, are responsible for somehow not thinking healthcare is a good, American ideal, but those, the "leaders" are the ones who have to convince, fight, get their fingers in the dirt, not the manicurist's office. I've not seen Obama do anything "leader-like" in the entire year. Yes, I'm thrilled he replaced gWb, and, yes, I will vote for him over a doofus G.O.P. (God of Profit), but he's the Professor to Hillary's Mary Ann, or Ginger, or the Howells. So, yes, I'm also angry. You don't bring together two parties; you lead one party, and allow the other to follow, or lose.

The gays hate him, and rightly so. Fuck DOMA, just don't fuck each other, dudes. Because, well, as a strong, smart, African-American who has a dream, I don't understand why you'd expect or want equal rights. Deal with it as I have not.

DAVID'S RANT OF THE DAY

On top of everything else wrong with Obama's approach, here's another thing he forgot to do. The day after the new Penthouse Pet, Scott Brown, won, Glenn Beck made a comment saying their could be a dead intern. We are so accustomed to the blabbering idiots who rant and rave and bellow (forgive the blatant "South Pacific" rip-off), that we don't even bother to say how horrific that comment was. Beck, in a sideways fashion, accused Brown, of possible murder.

Now, if Obie Won had a brain, as well as a heart and courage and maybe some Friends of Dorothy, he would have lambasted Beck's words, saying "America will not tolerate our new senator being threatened by the bigots of the media."

Um, to quote Keanu Reeves in anything, "duh."

This way, Mr. President, you've lambasted the RIGHT for attacking someone on the RIGHT. It's not political science, Barack, it's political. (Oh, and also, it would be the right thing to do.)

Meanwhile, there was the whole Supreme Court thing---who will Walmart pick for Pres????

So another column done for now.

In the meantime, folks, let's learn from the Gods of Profit and steal their playbook. Here's how it goes. Scott Brown posed "nude" for Cosmo. Cosmo is not unlike Playgirl, and 80 perecent of Playgirl models are gay. I've slept with two, I've seen them in porn, I've seen them serving drinks in gay bars. If that's true, and 10 percent of all men are gay, then there's a 90 percent chance that the new Hustler Pin-Up is actually a gay hustler.

You heard it was a rumor, while I heard it was true. (Oh, and by the way, it's a known fact that gay men love to dress up in uniform. I think we're at 98 percent now.)

I hope you enjoyed the column. Someone recently asked me how I figure out the beginnings, since they tie into the ends. I simply explained the "Completion Backward Principle" as performed by my favorite group, The Tubes. Check them out sometime. They are wonderful.

I can't think of a better note to end on....

And remember,
You're in the book.
David Toussaint

Going Home Again with Denise Fraga--Five Flashback Questions

Sentimental Journey

In a different life, one in which popular meant straight and gay went unmentioned, I used to hang out at Denise's house, hanging out with her brother, and her wonderful, sweet family. They were cool but wonderful, like the Brady Bunch, had they been cool but wonderful. And Mexican. I loved their home; it existed in a place near where I lived, that didn't seem bigoted or self-conscious or conservative or caring about labels. We all partied, went to concerts, swam in the pool late at night, and, most of all, grooved to music. I've not been back in more than 20 years, but now Denise is a big-time singer, Bay Area adult, and, yeah, groovy chick. I thought it would be fun to ask Denise about that time and about now, in just five questions. If I'm off-key, well, she still makes me a bit nervous.

Name:
Denise Fraga

Occupation: Singer

Five Questions:

One:
I fled California; you stayed. What do you love about your home state?
I love the Bay Area; more specifically, San Francisco, Berkeley and Oakland. I love the diversity of it and the bohemian vibe of it too. I lived in the Central Valley for a few years when I first took off to college and it just felt too "backwards" for me, or perhaps I should say too conservative. Once I started school in SF, I knew I had found my home. I love that the wine country is nearby, the mountains are nearby, the ocean is right here and more importantly, my family is nearby. There's a lot of great culture here too. Everything from artsy fartsy to very urban. I can go to a museum, a jazz concert, the symphony, a rock concert, see a friend perform at a dive club and see a friend's work at a small art gallery all in one month - or week!

Two:
I remember you bobbing to Led Zeppelin and The Who. Who are your musical influences now?
Oh yes, I think my blood is made up of music notes rather than hemoglobin. These days I've been listening to an eclectic internet station and have been exposed to many different groups that I otherwise would not have heard on terrestrial radio. I love Porcupine Tree (prog rock), Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (dirgy, shoe gazer type rock), Thievery Corporation (electronica), Iron and Wine (folk). Oh, and I cannot forget Radiohead.

Three:
When did you start realizing you had a lot of gay friends?
I didn't think I had met my first gay friends until I started performing in musicals through community theater, which was during the mid 80's (my early 20's). But to be honest with you, I had no inkling that you were gay until I heard about you coming out at a much later date. And it also dawned on me many years later that a few guys I knew at De La Salle (high school) had to have been gay as well, but I just didn't have a "gaydar" back then. I now have many gay friends, both male and female.

Four
What Song Best Represents Your Childhood?
Oh good lord, what song best represents my childhood? There simply isn't one. However, there is a band that truly represents my childhood, and I think you know who they are. THE BEATLES!!!!

Five:
If you could dedicated a song to Barack Obama, what would it be and why?
The song that first popped into my head was "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye and then I started thinking about the entire album. The entire album should be considered as it is a concept album. Here we have a man who's communicating to us, not as a iconic pop star to his fans but as an equal asking us to stop and look around us. Look what we're doing to our environment, to our brothers and sisters, to each other. We need to stop destroying ourselves and each other and start loving and caring instead. Yes, that was a very 60's way of thinking, but I believe that President Obama is in his own way saying the same thing. He is very accessible, he doesn't put himself above us and he wants to have open communication with us. Both of these men seem to be very introspective and that is one of the things that I really like and appreciated about the President. He's very thoughtful and isn't a knee-jerk like some of our past presidents and many of our politicians.

Bonus, Back in Kansas (Kinda) Question
I haven't seen you or your family since we were all high-school age, and we were all hanging out and getting stoned and being teenagers in the suburbs. If you could dedicate a song to those times, what would it be?
The Cars: "Good Times Roll." I was originally going to pick a Zep song, but this popped into my head and it was perfect!

                                                      ###

--as is she. Thanks, Denise. I miss those days. Let's have an encore someday.

To find out more about Denise, check out Denise Fraga. And make sure you leave her a big tip on me.

I'm in the book.
David Toussaint

The Year in My View (An Annual Perennial), How To Be Really Gay (Three Pro 'Mos Give You the Scoop); Plus: Two "Ups" and Two "Nines" Make It an Unforgettable Year. MORE!

How To Be Really Gay

In Case You Didn't Already Know

Author Chris Beakey Interviews Me, Evan Wolfson, and Jeff McElhaney on Gay in 2010 (And we know!)
Gay in 2010

I love this particular ad of Jeff's. Very smart.

I'm very grateful to Chris for taking the time to put this piece together. He did a wonderful job with the three terribly high tenors.

I decided a while back never to do a Best Of... for a column, so last night I started to write one for this blog, because, well, you know, it's a blog. No one reads that damn things, but they're fun to do, like Crossword Puzzles or Latins. So for what it's worth....

The Year In My View

Best Film That I’ve Seen without Seeing “Hurt Locker” yet and despite the fact that George Clooney is the star: “Up in the Air.”

Worst Use of Under-Eyeliner: George Clooney, in “Up in the Air.”
Best Use of Under-Eyeliner: Lady GaGa.

Best Song That Was Actually Released in 2008 But Was a Single in 2009: “If U Seek Amy,” Britney Spears.

Worst Album by My Favorite Newish Group: "Humbug," Arctic Monkeys

Biggest Heartbreak: Farrah.

Worst Memorial: Ryan hitting on daughter Tatum at the funeral.

Keenest Observation: My mother telling me that Michael Jackson was a true genius and “you kids really missed out.” (Thanks, Mom, I hear that Madonna was interesting too; perhaps I’ll check her out one of these days.)

Best Film Based on My Junior High Black-Light Posters: “Avatar” (forget the 3-D, they should have supplied bongs).

Best Other Film That Wasn’t Really About Aliens: “District 9”

Worst Film with the Number 9 in the Title: “Nine”

Best Reason to Colonize Mars and Send People There with One Way Tickets But No Healthcare: Joe Lieberman, Dick Cheney, Maggie Gallagher, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Michael Steele (list to be updated every five minutes; kind of like Twitter).

Biggest Role-Reversal Fantasy: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton

Favorite New Show: “FlashForward.” (But couldn’t they see that people wouldn’t be watching six months from now?)

Favorite Old Show: “Desperate Housewives” (admit it; it’s still good, and kudos to Dana Delaney, oh, but could the chick from "Soprano's" and then "Joey" please cut her hair?)

Best Concept Album: “Love Is the Answer,” Barbra Streisand

Best Concept Face: Madonna

Best Concept of Madonna's New Face: Sharon Stone's new face

Best Reason to Stop Watching TV Altogether: Tom Delay on “DWTS”

Film That Makes You Realize the Only Way You’re Gonna See Actual Dancing Is if You Watch “DWTS”: “Nine”

Best Reason to Keep the Studio Cold at All Times: Dmitry Chaplin’s nipples!

Favorite New Word I Still Don’t Really Understand: “Widget”

Favorite Moment: You know who you are, and you know where we were, and we sincerely hope they weren’t filming from the second floor.

Best Reason to Become a Porn Star: If that clip ever surfaces.

Favorite Compliment: “You could do porn with that.”

Best Reason to Keep Writing This List: Everything eventually turns to smut.

Best Reason to Colonize Mars and Send Movie Fans There: The people who loved “Paranormal Activity” and insisted I see it.

Best Bad Flick: “Orphan.”

Best Reason Never to Go See another New York Show, Unless I Get Reimbursed for the Two Hours and Time It Took to Write-up the Review: Theresa Rebeck’s “Our House”

“Carrie” Award for Worst Mother of the Year: Mo’Nique in “Precious”

Best Reason to Never Watch another Tony Acceptance Speech: Alice Ripley

Most Deserved Award (Male): Sean Penn, “Milk”

Most Deserved Award (Human): Meryl Streep, for “Whatever the F*** They Give It to Her For.”

Best Reason to Laugh: Lots of good, smart comedies this year: “Up,” “Julie & Julia,” “Up in the Air,” “Bruno.”

Best Reason to Laugh Even Harder: Gay rights groups condemning “Bruno.”
Best Reason to Be Sad: TV Comedy.

Worst Excuse for Laughter: “Funny People.”

Smartest Reason to Go From the Big Screen to the Small Screen: Jessica Lange in “Grey Gardens”

The Who Knew Award: Drew Barrymore, "Grey Gardens"

The Who Cares Award: Carrie Prejean ties with Dick Cheney.

The Hugh Grant Award for Most Consecutive Bad Films in a Row: Adam Sandler

Runner-Up: Nicole Kidman

Best Reason to Plug Your Ears: The Chris Rockway threesome clip
"Share, SHARE!"

Best Reason to Plug: Chris Rockway

Best Reason to Stop Listening to Music Critics: Grizzly Bear

Worst Reason to Name Your Band While Watching the Nature Channel: Grizzly Bear

Best Reason to Stop Listening to Me: This list

I'm in the book
David Toussaint