A Free Facebook Column at Your Expense
Enter at Your Own Risk
The week started out with my search for old friends. I was so happy when I found long-lost hetero school buddies, Apps Ken Fraga and Greg Unruh. We connected, we reminisced, we laughed about silly old closeted days and how little it all means—and two days’ later they’d both blocked me. And people wonder why I don’t return to my hometown of Pleasant Hill more often. (Note to self: Guess I shouldn't have reminded the one about the feel-up drunk sleepover)….In the meantime, Facebook has “suggested” that I re-connect with 00 App Daniel Craig. I wrote on his Wall, I sent him roses, I put him on the top of my “Friends I want to F.” list, and nothing. Ironically, with dicks like that we do need dildos.
New York App Amy Casey invited me to become a fan. She’s now, among other things, a “spiritual leader.” The last time I saw Amy, a few months ago, she was a struggling actress working in real estate to make ends meet. I would question Amy’s credentials, but then I’d have to question the credentials of every evangelical in the world. I'm not about to make fun of Ms. Casey; she just beame a fan of New York Condoms, and boys, that means the local economy's going to skyrocket!...Porn star App Carlo Massi has sent me at least 20 invites this week to become his fan. In related news, I jerked off at 20 times this week…Porn stars come and go awfully quickly around here. There’s been more fake Cody Cummings’ Apps then there have been homosexual denials.
My favorite FB Update this week was “Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.” I can’t take credit for it; Los Angeles App Robert Downs found it. Downs has spent the past week in Turkey converting the locals. He's also spent some time at mosques and churches…Savannah App Maryanne Stahl has not answered my fmail in two weeks. (I was hoping to use her for my "Five Questions" project.) If the “writer” keeps this up we’ll be officially dating. And musician App Doug Baron (described by one critic as a “less butch Tracy Chapman”) has deleted me and re-friended me so many times, I can proudly announce that we are dating. You can download Doug pretty much anywhere, and you can buy his stuff on iTunes! You know, I should't be poking fun of Brown, especially as he's such a dazzling artist. For your pleasure, here's a clip. Doug Baron singing "Baby Can I Hold You Tonight".
New York App Robert Mazza (below) was seen wearing clothes. Don’t worry, however. He might have found his shirts, but he has not regained his dignity.
If you like it then you better put a bling on it...
Oh, another Friend deletion: This one from New York “actor” App Romain Fruge. Romain, your onstage ass may look great now, and it may look great five years from now…that’s all. Uncut App Marco Giovanini is asking that FB Friends not send him Christmas Apps. As Marco has stated on several improper occasions, he never receives. By the way, here's a tip. If you want to date Marco, offer to take him out for seafood. And remember his motto: What happens in the steam room stays in the steam room.
Hot Todd Boatwright, Austin’s, um, “8” App anchorman, refused a free copy of my e-book, not once but twice. When I sent him an fmail asking why, he never answered. Silly me, I knew anchormen couldn’t write, but I should have known they can’t read either. Boatwright's extremely, busy, however. Just look at what this man has to do every single day of his two-hour job... (Mobile Upload Courtesy of Todd's Camera Phone).
All I can say is WOW! He has a lot on his plate, or at least his shoe.
Playwright App John P. Shanley, who’s interested in women and, um, “random play,” keeps posting dreams on his page. I want them to go away almost as much as I wanted “Doubt” to end.
Good news for Edge online fans. Equinox gym used to ban the site from their computers, even if you went through Facebook to read it. They’ve stopped the discriminatory practice. Tip of the week: If you download it and find a printer, it makes for a wonderful lrctowel…Oh, Augusten: App Author Burroughs once said you know you’ve made it when dudes send you unsolicited FB photos of their erect cocks. I think you’ve made it when Augusten stops sending you his. I'm still waiting for my big break.
Best FB Group of the Week: Pretending to Text in Awkward Situations.
I watched “Funny People” the other night and could so relate to Adam Sandler’s character when he said the more friends you have on MySpace, the fewer friends you have in real life. That is so sad. Luckily, as I wrote to my 1,978 FB friends, I don’t even have a MySpace account.
And now the really big news: The first ever F.Buddy of the Month. (for Facebook Buddy, of course).
This month’s hot, hot, hot winner is none other than Washington, D.C., App
People have asked why I picked David, and the answer is simple; he wouldn’t take credit cards. But don’t be taken just by David’s highly Photoshopped, blurry-lensed, sadly narcissistic 10-year-old pic. There are other reasons why he makes for a Great F.Buddy. Like the city he lives in, David has the same qualities representative of the type of people who represent this great nation of ours: Sex scandals, money-laundering, ass-kissing (or, as he likes to call it in his Native non-German tongue, “douched bank dipping”), he "lies" a lot (or is that "lays"?), and, of course, Streets of K.
Name: David Black
Occupation: Accountant (He can add up 69 any way you prefer)
Favorite Book: Creatine Warning Labels.
Favorite Artist: Tom (David doesn’t know the artist’s last name, but he believes he resides in Finland).
Favorite Movie: “X-Men…No, wait, X-Tube.”
Position on Healthcare: “Don’t let them take away my free clinic.”
Position: "Depends. Did I pay my rent yet?"
All I Want for Christmas Is? “Dude, I totally love Mariah Carey!”
If you want to be a F.Buddy of the Month, shoot me a load of yourself!
And Happy Holidays!
I'm in the book